Years ago, there was a Molson Canadian beer commercial where a character named Joe rants about what it means to be Canadian. It electrified Canada, as it was to date the most national pride ever espoused publicly; we are, after all, a quiet and reserved bunch. But “I am Canadian” became a standard, an oft-quoted piece of Canadiana that served to unite us, to remind us of who we were, and to stand proudly because of it.

A beer commercial, for god’s sake, but a classic rant for the ages, nonetheless! Here, today, I present my Canadian super hero, Thunder, with his own version of the classic rant. Words by Michael McAdam, art by Joe Davis.

THUNDER: I AM CANADIAN

I drink Slurpees in wintertime. 

I put on a toque, not a beanie.

I wear shorts when it’s snowing outside.

I know the difference between “poutine” and “Putin.”

If I break my arm, it’s free to have it fixed.

I live where a moose can walk through the drive-thru at the Tim Horton’s.

I have a Prime Minister, not a Governor, and we will NEVER be the 51st state.

I believe in the rule of law, not a cult of personality.

I am polite, but I am in no way weak.

We are the first nation of “fool around and find out,” and our country is as vast as our courage.

We do not tolerate intolerance; we accept all people as they are, in our cultural mosaic.

We are the country of Anne of Green Gables, and Anne Murray. We produced Captain Kirk and Superman. We invented basketball, the zipper, the telephone and insulin, among others.

Canada is the True North, Strong and Free, and we are second to no one.

My name is Thunder, and I AM CANADIAN.